Hello Again World...

Does anyone read this thing? I'm not sure. I'm in the process of writing about the experience of the past year mainly as a way of processing it personally, but if there are still a few people around who had followed this blog in some way before, then I want them to know before I start publishing old posts. Some were written at the time of events but before I was wanting to go public; some I've written retroactively and still need to add to and edit as time passes and I can come to grips with things and what I want to say and how I feel. Either way it might be odd to all of a sudden read them and not realize they are from previous experiences. I'll try to clarify it by adding the date to the top. But really I'm not sure there is a huge readership out there! At this point it really doesn't matter. Like I said, it's more for my own processing and healing. So if you are there, read on. If not then this is purely for the internet, the universe, the greater existence beyond us all that we can't even begin to comprehend. :)

How Far Down the Rabbit Hole Do You Go? February 8, 2016

Unexplained Infertility. It's been over a year and no baby but there is apparently no real reason why. Derek has swimmers, he's easy to test, so does that make the problem me? I've been poked, prodded, scanned and now finally cut open and scoped. Still no real answers. Sure we're both a little older than ideal, that magic age of 35 which in a generation will seem like a totally normal age to start having children but right now seems to teeter on the cusp of being late and high risk. My egg reserve is just beginning to dwindle off but there's still some in there. Oh yeah, and one ovary is oddly positioned in a little pocket but my eggs still have access to the tubes and aren't blocked in any way. So really things should be happening. So how far down the path of madness and obsession do we want to travel?

First, of course, come the apps. Chart everything! Do it on this day at this time and in this position and you will make a baby! Or not. Then came the doctor's appointments, the poking and prodding and testing and consultation. Now it seems like more people have been invited to this private party. Let's add some specialists in there too! Finally a trip to Calgary to learn all about the wondrous science that can finally take over this task that we've clearly failed at on our own. Frankly IVF scared the crap out of me. It sounded like a painful, drawn out procedure that cost a lot of money and maybe might possibly work. If it doesn't? No refunds. I can just imagine the heartbreak. You've literally tried everything you can do to have a baby and it still might not happen. Or maybe you messed with the wrong eggs and sperm and create a baby with more problems and issues than you can handle. Maybe nature was trying to tell you something when you couldn't conceive naturally.

Ultimately we make some choices. We decide how far to spiral into this all and just how badly we need to have a child. There are still some less invasive options to consider and we're not going all in just quite yet. If we ever do at all.

Don't be silly, One day you'll change your mind! April 11, 2015

I'm a member of a Childfree by choice group on facebook and the title of this post is one of the "Bingos" that have been listed that childfree couples get. I'll give you the rest here:

It's pretty funny because it is completely true. You here all of this from family and friends, from parents and coworkers, you even hear them in your own head. You roll your eyes and try to explain why not having children is actually an option you can make. In fact if more people made it, the world would undoubtedly be a better place with less neglect and abuse, less poverty, less crime, and the list goes on. You constantly feel like you have to defend yourself to everyone, even society and as a consequence, at least for me, you feel like you have to be so set in your decision that to change your mind feels like you're giving in, forsaking your fb group of like minded people, and almost like a failure. I feel like people might not say it out loud but they will definitely be thinking "I told you so". This is why when Derek and I changed our minds we didn't run around telling the world. Very few people know that almost exactly a year ago I threw away the rest of my birth control pills that I've been methodically taking since I was 18 years old.

That leads me to today and the private roller coaster of emotions I am feeling. Everything I'd ever been lead to believe, from that first sex ed class I took in middle school to shows like 16 and pregnant on TV, says that if you have unprotected sex like even once, you're going to get knocked up. So when I threw away the pills we adopted a whatever happens, happens mentality. Nature would take it's course and when we were meant to be pregnant it would be. The first few months I peed on dozens of sticks, too full of excitement and anticipation to wait for my body to let me know the truth, I wasn't pregnant. Then I started charting everything, downloaded an app to help pinpoint the exact window when the babymaking magic should happen. Still nothing. Now we get to today where the questions start clouding everything. What if we can't have children? After all those years of trying to avoid them, to the deep conversations wrestling back and forth with the idea of having them, to the scary decision that yes we would try to have them, to now panic that maybe we waited to long or maybe it was never an option to begin with.

I intellectually know that sometimes, maybe even most of the time, couples don't get pregnant within the first year of trying, in fact, our doctor isn't worried at all. But me, I'm worried, and most of all I hate the unknowing of it all. I work a job I'd have to quit or at the least drastically modify if I became pregnant, yet should I bother telling my boss I'm trying? Suddenly jokes about us having furry kids, or luxuriating in free time, or spending money on hobbies, or having no responsibilities are not so funny anymore, in fact they start to dig a little at my heart. Just how many people do I want to let know that we are trying and maybe failing? Just how many awkward conversations would that bring on, and what's the bingo board look like for couples trying to conceive? I really want to keep my private life private, but at the same time let everyone know that I'm not dead set against having children, it is now a possibility. My mind has changed and now I'm dealing with the realization that just because you decide to do something doesn't necessarily mean it's going to happen. I've gone from having complete control over my reproductivity, to having no control over it at all, and that's what I'm now struggling with.

Frustration will pass and I know I'll accept whatever life has in store, eventually. Having been so against having children I know all too well the benefits of being childfree. I also have good friends and a sister with beautiful children of their own that I can be a large part of their lives and not miss out on seeing them develop and grow through their lives. I just need to get through this stage now, of not knowing or really being able to have any control at all over what the future will hold. I kind of want everyone to know it too but without making a big deal of it, and most of all not hearing any "I told you so's". The greatest thing about your life is that it is yours to live, to make decisions and change your mind, and to live it exactly the way you want to, maybe... and if not then to be open to whatever road is out there.

What is this? A post?

It's been a while, a long while. On a track to live a healthier lifestyle I'm trying to make some changes in my day to day. I'm upping the water intake, trying to eat healthier, increasing the exercise (from none...), and making time for me. Me time involves doing things I love, like reading, crafting, and why I am here, writing! It helps me get my thoughts out of my head and into the world, I can move forward instead of just circling the same thought over and over inside of my head. I can look back and see changes in myself and see if I am going in a direction I like. My writing is very personal, sometimes too personal to post. I have some things to spit out into the world right now in a post that I am not too sure I am ready to publish. So I'm off to write that for a bit, and maybe one day you'll get to read it.

Summer is Ending

I've come to realize I really love September. The weather is still beautiful during the day, crisp at night, there are less bugs, kids go back to school and the parks are less busy, and I think when you know that summer is leaving soon you appreciate it just a little bit more. Next year I think a week off in September is called for, I really wish I was camping right now. Once this month is over you just know that snow is around the corner, my slight tan will start to fade, the days will start becoming more darkness than light, and right now all that is making me quite sad. Need to flip my mental state here and start thinking about the up side to it being September. The one good thing about the nice weather ending is that it makes more time for indoor activities. Blogging, for one thing, plus all my cast aside craft projects. Not to mention Christmas is closer, I can't wait to decorate this new place! I have already thought extensively about where to put the tree. I still haven't really come up with "the" spot yet. Only three months to figure it out!

I realized the other day that this month also marks the first date Derek and I had. It's been nine years since that date and it has passed so quickly. Nine years! We've crossed the country, bought our forever house, raised some pretty awesome fur kids, and shared so many great moments with very few dips along the way. He is definitely my soul mate, other half, lobster, you name it. I love our little life we've created. However, with my sister pregnant I find the thought of kids has reentered our conversations. I'm fairly confident in our decision to not take that path in life, but as someone who has a horrible time making ANY decision, I am always aware of when an option is being taken off the table for good. The window where children are still an option is continually getting smaller, and the thought that we won't have the option to change our minds, not that I really think we would, is kind of scary. I like the idea that at any time I can do or be whatever I want to. If choice is taken away you have to mourn that, come to grips with it, and accept it. If that makes any sense at all. Anyway, all those mixed feelings aside I am really excited to be an aunt, it's something I've been quietly waiting for. I absolutely love knowing I will have a real and meaningful part of a new person's life. I look at my aunts and uncles and how much I loved and looked up to them and it makes me very excited to have that role. I've claimed my new niece or nephew already for a week each summer (once diapers are no longer a necessity!) and can already picture the fishing trips, blanket forts, and spoiling that will take place. Also I will have one more reason to scope out the noisy toy aisle in Walmart. Coolest aunt ever.

Well blog, it's been nice to catch up. Will hopefully see you again fairly soon :)

A Heck of an Overdue Bit of Writing.

Oh my. It's been a while. I have plenty of excuses, life has been busy, so lets jump right into it.

1. My laptop died - Well it's still functional but it is critically low on memory, slow as molasses, and just plain outdated. I lucked into another lappy that just needed a new hard drive and some Derek magic but I am finding it's not the same. None of my old stuff is on here, it feels unfamiliar and strange, like I am borrowing someone's computer. The keyboard is different, the keys stick a bit, they make a different click noise I am not use to. It's not conducive to creativity, and you can't blog from a smart phone, don't even try to convince me it's a possibility.

2. We moved - I think my last blog is pre-new house. So obviously a lot of time was taken up with packing, moving, and setting up a new home. It's been 3 months now and we love the place. It's comfortable, everything is new and works right, and the area we moved to is so convenient for getting to work (will be better when construction season ends!), shopping, going out, you name it. We still haven't had a housewarming party, I think we sort of passed the period where it's expected, so I don't think we will have one per say, maybe just have a big BBQ some weekend when we have a deck. It feels like a house that you could entertain in, you know, if you weren't as big of shut ins as we are.

3. It's summer - meaning it's time to get outside and enjoy this brief period of above zero weather, not huddle inside over a laptop writing whatever is in my head. We sold our camper and bought a boat instead. We've gotten much more use out of the boat, taking trips about once a week to go fishing. The dog loves it, we love it. I just have to solve the "how does a girl pee off the side of a boat" dilemma. Right now my options are hanging my pale white butt off the side and threatening my husband with murder the entire time if he dares to sneak a peak, or just not drinking any fluids the entire trip and hoping for a conveniently located dock we can aim for on shore.

4. Hobbies - I've decided to learn to knit. I inherited my grandmother's collection of knitting needles and decided they should be put to good use. I attempted to learn when I was younger but the attention span wasn't really there, I am not sure I even made a scarf to completion, and the techniques were rusty if not completely lost. Thank you internet and utube, they have helped me to learn the basics once more. I can cast on, knit, purl, increase a stitch (I forget how to decrease and will look it up when needed), and bind off. I am attempting my first project so we will see how it all goes! Also, everyone is getting a scarf for Christmas.

That about covers the excuses. I want to thank one friend who bugged me during this absence of writing asking where the blogs were, it encouraged me to get back at it, knowing someone was missing me :) I can't promise more frequency yet - it is still summer! But I will try not to be so neglectful, maybe get a few photos on here.

Now to leave you with a deep thought. I think Helen should win big brother. She's smart, doesn't rely on a showmance to get her through the game, she has a great social game, and I think she will go the distance.

House Stalking

Two and a half weeks to go until we move into new house! We are trying to be patient but it's so close now that the house looks like it is basically done. We could definitely be living in it now, but we aren't. We are however visiting it on a regular basis, just so it knows we are thinking of it. Peering in its windows, walking around the yard, full fledged house stalking. It will be nice when we are living there, but right now it is really frustrating how hard it is to peek in the windows and see stuff. They finally took the plastic film off the windows and we brought a step stool to take some photos of the interior which looks to be all done.

Outside just needs a front step, driveway, walkway and a strip of sod. I think we also might get a tree.

Looking in the front door. There is a closet to the left, and the hall to the main living area.

Looking through the Laundry window, you can see through to the stairs. The door is a closet, then the garage door is to the right of that.

 Looking in through the livingroom window. The door leads to the basement.

Through the diningroom window, the kitchen island, a small desk, and through the hall opening is the door to the powder room.

 

Through one of the kitchen windows. Love the color of my cabinets, the backsplash and the shiny fixtures.

Dining room light fixture

Living room fireplace. Many a cat nap will be had here.

Inside the Garage

Outside the Garage.

So the waiting game continues. We have most of our stuff packed in boxes and ready to go. So excited! Soon... soon...