Hello Again World...

Does anyone read this thing? I'm not sure. I'm in the process of writing about the experience of the past year mainly as a way of processing it personally, but if there are still a few people around who had followed this blog in some way before, then I want them to know before I start publishing old posts. Some were written at the time of events but before I was wanting to go public; some I've written retroactively and still need to add to and edit as time passes and I can come to grips with things and what I want to say and how I feel. Either way it might be odd to all of a sudden read them and not realize they are from previous experiences. I'll try to clarify it by adding the date to the top. But really I'm not sure there is a huge readership out there! At this point it really doesn't matter. Like I said, it's more for my own processing and healing. So if you are there, read on. If not then this is purely for the internet, the universe, the greater existence beyond us all that we can't even begin to comprehend. :)

How Far Down the Rabbit Hole Do You Go? February 8, 2016

Unexplained Infertility. It's been over a year and no baby but there is apparently no real reason why. Derek has swimmers, he's easy to test, so does that make the problem me? I've been poked, prodded, scanned and now finally cut open and scoped. Still no real answers. Sure we're both a little older than ideal, that magic age of 35 which in a generation will seem like a totally normal age to start having children but right now seems to teeter on the cusp of being late and high risk. My egg reserve is just beginning to dwindle off but there's still some in there. Oh yeah, and one ovary is oddly positioned in a little pocket but my eggs still have access to the tubes and aren't blocked in any way. So really things should be happening. So how far down the path of madness and obsession do we want to travel?

First, of course, come the apps. Chart everything! Do it on this day at this time and in this position and you will make a baby! Or not. Then came the doctor's appointments, the poking and prodding and testing and consultation. Now it seems like more people have been invited to this private party. Let's add some specialists in there too! Finally a trip to Calgary to learn all about the wondrous science that can finally take over this task that we've clearly failed at on our own. Frankly IVF scared the crap out of me. It sounded like a painful, drawn out procedure that cost a lot of money and maybe might possibly work. If it doesn't? No refunds. I can just imagine the heartbreak. You've literally tried everything you can do to have a baby and it still might not happen. Or maybe you messed with the wrong eggs and sperm and create a baby with more problems and issues than you can handle. Maybe nature was trying to tell you something when you couldn't conceive naturally.

Ultimately we make some choices. We decide how far to spiral into this all and just how badly we need to have a child. There are still some less invasive options to consider and we're not going all in just quite yet. If we ever do at all.

Don't be silly, One day you'll change your mind! April 11, 2015

I'm a member of a Childfree by choice group on facebook and the title of this post is one of the "Bingos" that have been listed that childfree couples get. I'll give you the rest here:

It's pretty funny because it is completely true. You here all of this from family and friends, from parents and coworkers, you even hear them in your own head. You roll your eyes and try to explain why not having children is actually an option you can make. In fact if more people made it, the world would undoubtedly be a better place with less neglect and abuse, less poverty, less crime, and the list goes on. You constantly feel like you have to defend yourself to everyone, even society and as a consequence, at least for me, you feel like you have to be so set in your decision that to change your mind feels like you're giving in, forsaking your fb group of like minded people, and almost like a failure. I feel like people might not say it out loud but they will definitely be thinking "I told you so". This is why when Derek and I changed our minds we didn't run around telling the world. Very few people know that almost exactly a year ago I threw away the rest of my birth control pills that I've been methodically taking since I was 18 years old.

That leads me to today and the private roller coaster of emotions I am feeling. Everything I'd ever been lead to believe, from that first sex ed class I took in middle school to shows like 16 and pregnant on TV, says that if you have unprotected sex like even once, you're going to get knocked up. So when I threw away the pills we adopted a whatever happens, happens mentality. Nature would take it's course and when we were meant to be pregnant it would be. The first few months I peed on dozens of sticks, too full of excitement and anticipation to wait for my body to let me know the truth, I wasn't pregnant. Then I started charting everything, downloaded an app to help pinpoint the exact window when the babymaking magic should happen. Still nothing. Now we get to today where the questions start clouding everything. What if we can't have children? After all those years of trying to avoid them, to the deep conversations wrestling back and forth with the idea of having them, to the scary decision that yes we would try to have them, to now panic that maybe we waited to long or maybe it was never an option to begin with.

I intellectually know that sometimes, maybe even most of the time, couples don't get pregnant within the first year of trying, in fact, our doctor isn't worried at all. But me, I'm worried, and most of all I hate the unknowing of it all. I work a job I'd have to quit or at the least drastically modify if I became pregnant, yet should I bother telling my boss I'm trying? Suddenly jokes about us having furry kids, or luxuriating in free time, or spending money on hobbies, or having no responsibilities are not so funny anymore, in fact they start to dig a little at my heart. Just how many people do I want to let know that we are trying and maybe failing? Just how many awkward conversations would that bring on, and what's the bingo board look like for couples trying to conceive? I really want to keep my private life private, but at the same time let everyone know that I'm not dead set against having children, it is now a possibility. My mind has changed and now I'm dealing with the realization that just because you decide to do something doesn't necessarily mean it's going to happen. I've gone from having complete control over my reproductivity, to having no control over it at all, and that's what I'm now struggling with.

Frustration will pass and I know I'll accept whatever life has in store, eventually. Having been so against having children I know all too well the benefits of being childfree. I also have good friends and a sister with beautiful children of their own that I can be a large part of their lives and not miss out on seeing them develop and grow through their lives. I just need to get through this stage now, of not knowing or really being able to have any control at all over what the future will hold. I kind of want everyone to know it too but without making a big deal of it, and most of all not hearing any "I told you so's". The greatest thing about your life is that it is yours to live, to make decisions and change your mind, and to live it exactly the way you want to, maybe... and if not then to be open to whatever road is out there.